Showing up with your Best Self even if you feel your partner is not.This page will expand on the challenges of working on your relationship alone.Even if your spouse agrees to go to counseling, you may feel that you are the only one that cares or is making an effort. Sometimes couples talk about an issue and feel that the other person understands them, only to see the same scenario reoccur a few days later. Understandably frustrated, they have two choices: 1) they can realize that deep issues will not be solved overnight and that this a potential growth/healing opportunity for both of them if they continue to work together or 2) they can throw in the towel and stop working on the relationship. Why should they “waste” their time and money when they feel it is clear that the other person isn’t making an effort? The question I would ask this person is: How can you show up with your best self in relationship and be the person you want to be? Instead of responding to relational pain from a place of pride or self-righteousness, be the bigger one. This approach is essential if you want to improve your relationship and feel that you are going it alone. Couples that allow themselves to get stuck in their hurt and blame the other for not willing to change, will pull each other down in a spiral of negativity that will have potentially devastating effects on the relationship. (Even couples that are divorced and need to maintain contact with their ex, due to children, etc… would be wise to learn from this.)
When you act like the person you want to be, not only will you not be sucked into a black hole of negativity and conflict, you will lift up yourself as well as your relationship. Instead of giving up amidst blame and resentment, you will have the courage to invite your spouse to continue the discussion, and to work through issues affecting your relationship. Breaking the cycle of reactivity by mirroring, having compassion, and empathy are all ways you can improve your relationship without needing the other to be fully onboard. Most importantly, keep the big picture in mind. Your deepest desire is to connect with your spouse and have a great relationship. Are you behaving in a way that will lead you to that goal or are you sabotaging yourself? Will this bring you closer or farther apart? |